sheesh

After not writing here for nearly 3 weeks, my mind just feels tangled, spilling over with thoughts and cluttered with all the little scenes I wanted to get down. It took a while to get internet access at home, but now the wireless connection is letting me down, giving me the claustrophobia I get nowadays when I can't Google and email instantly. I never thought I would be such a computer hound, but maybe it's the access to communications and knowledge that I miss. I hope to resolve the problem soon, so I can finally post more photos from Rome and maybe use my PC as a phone.

But meanwhile, everyone has been asking me: how's it going? And I suppose, in many ways, just fine. It's a different schedule than I've ever had before, and I'm still getting used to it. What a thrill to have stuff to put into my PalmPilot! It used to be just work and practice and the weekly lesson or very occasional rehearsal, but now I have classes and a regular group to rehearse with and music to learn for school, auditions, and my demanding church position (which will sadly end in October. Too bad, the music is great, and the pay covers rent).

Yet, and I suppose I had an inkling of this before I started, grad school is not the Shangrila I had imagined it to be when I was languishing at my full-time office jobs. I have way too much spare time, for one. If I didn't have a part-time job, I would be scampering for something to do. I'm also at a loss as to how I'm supposed to be making the connections I thought you were supposed to be able to make in advanced degrees. Yes, I've met most everyone in my small department, but how deep those contacts will run (we just see each other in class) and what they'll lead to is a little beyond my imagination.

But, there's the entertaining dating scene to keep me occupied. Dates are incredibly boring. I hate the thought of regurgitating my personal information for the next Mike/Dave/Rob/Chris/Brian/Steve- whatever. What do you do, where are you from, where do you live, what do you like to do? I should just hand them a fact sheet. But the perk, of course, is the free food. I've talked with friends about this, and we can't come to a conclusion: why do guys still have to pay for dates? In an age when women are expected to be self-sufficient and prize they're independence, a date is not really a date unless the guy picks up the tab. She could be a lawyer, he could be a non-profit administrative assistant. Well, as a student, I say cool! I'm looking at my dating life as at least a meal ticket, crass as that may be. Listen, when you've got a tab of $9,000 a semester to face, you're not exactly eating lobsters. (An aside, my favorite comfort meal, in lean times and flush, is a total pantry creation: chick peas with cumin cooked with onion and a little tomato sauce, served with brown rice. But it's not long before you get sick of that....)

So I turn to my menfolk for a taste of the gourmet. When I was looking for apartments a few weeks ago, one potential roommate asked me out. Um, okay, but I'm glad I didn't take that place!! I was treated to lamb kabobs, and conversation so out of sync that I should have brought a book. It was worth it. But, of course, the whole point is that maybe I might actually find some companionship out there eventually.

It's getting cold up here already. Winter is coming with his days of darkness and lethargia. I'll go to sleep soon, taking another sip of red wine and a bit of dark chocolate. But I would prefer a kiss.