Ouch

Wow, nearly a month without writing, that hurts.

In reality, cherubs, I've been biding my time a bit, getting ready for my next and final and most demanding semester. To facilitate this process, the night before my first day of classes, I decided I would achieve fuller zen if I clocked my head against a brick wall and took a trip to the emergency room. Seriously. The fresh wound on the back of my cranium completes the scar triptych I had begun at the age of 5 (when I expressed my dismay at someone changing the TV channel by flinging my head against a wall and smashing my barrett into the skin) and revisited at the age of 13 (while ice skating, I learned that a mild concussion is an effective way to come to a complete stop).

But after trauma and drama, kindness from strangers, my cut and my face bathed in salt water, eight staples - that's right, staples, not stitches - plugged into my scalp, I was cared for and brought home with a tenderness that made the distress evaporate, and let me sleep dreamlessly.

Besides that excitement, I have also been figuring out how to make good on my New Year's resolutions. I was considering posting that weighty list for your amusement, but I felt too embarassed. Really! After sharing all sorts of inner thoughts in this space, it just seemed like too much to broadcast my innermost insecurities. I have a few sundries to offer, and then, I will tell you a few of my resolutions, which I decided to phrase as Quaker worship queries, rather than the customary list of commands.

* * * * * * *

Top 10 things I like about Boston:

1. It's not too far from New York.
2. You occasionally run into New Yorkers.
3. The pizza, transportation system, provinciality, lackluster restaurants, limited culture, cold weather, and eerie lack of diversity make me really appreciate New York.
4. In their heart of hearts, Bostonians want to be New Yorkers.
5. When I say I'm from New York, Bostonians occasionally look at me as if I had just said that I am from Heaven.
6. Civic life takes place behind closed doors.
7. Like New York, you can talk to yourself on the streets (in Boston because they're so empty, in New York because they're so crowded!)
8. The backwards ways of doing things reminds me of Europe. (New York isn't European
   at all.)
9. New England apples are just as good as New York apples.
10. Although it's more difficult to meet friends in Boston than in New York, once you do meet them, it's easier to keep them.

* * * * * * *

Read this and write. The rightfully hyped Orhan Pamuk describes in his Nobel acceptance speech his singular motivations for writing, and gives a glimpse into the experience of creating art using only yourself. I found some parallels to the study of music, and it made me want to be more diligent about my writing as well.

* * * * * * *

A little while ago I steamed up some artichokes. My Chinese roommate, unfamiliar with the plant, peeked into the pot and thought they were little animals!

* * * * * * *

This month's break from the conservatory treadmill has been a relief. I had become too deeply conscious of the negative concerns of performing and studying: competition with others, proper deference to instructors who might eventually be career builders, self criticism at the expense of any self praise, etc. For various reasons, I am beginning to rediscover a love for the art itself, a passion that is easy to lose sight of.

With that, here are some questions, musical and otherwise, that I want to think about this year:

• When I perform, how do I want the audience to feel?
• What would happen if I trust that my technique is strong enough to allow me to be musical?
• Do I believe that the composer's intent is still clear, even if the performance isn't perfect?
• What kind of character do I want to be? As a performer? As a friend? As a person?
• What is my role in this city?
• What traits do I hold dear, and which I could cultivate in myself and others?
• How would it feel to perform without doubts or questioning, but instead with pleasure and empathy?
• What if a lifetime is long enough for a dream or two to become reality?

Christmas in Boston

Ahem. Before my rapidly-fluttering sentimentality takes wing, let's take another look at life in Boston, shall we?

"For preventing disorders, arising in several places within this jurisdiction by reason of some still observing such festivals as were superstitiously kept in other communities, to the great dishonor of God and offense of others: it is therefore ordered by this court and the authority thereof that whosoever shall be found observing any such day as Christmas or the like, either by forbearing of labor, feasting, or any other way, upon any such account as aforesaid, every such person so offending shall pay for every such offence five shilling as a fine to the county."

From the records of the General Court,
Massachusetts Bay Colony
May 11, 1659

Excuse me? This Irish-Catholic stronghold, this bastion of New England moral uprightness, this WASP-nest actually banned Christmas?? Yup, for 22 years under Puritan rule any such celebration was outlawed, and it was only in the mid-1800s that it was no longer considered a dishonor to God to forbear labor and raise a glass of spiced wine. The Puritans wanted to distance themselves as much as possible from old England, and, more importantly, the custom of poor people wassailing the wealthy (i.e., assailing them for food and alms through carols and cajoles) was getting out of hand.

What's odd is that at Christmastime, it seems like everyone in Boston celebrates Christmas. A creche appears on the Common with no conciliatory menorah; tourists from the bible belt book their holiday here, in the one Northeastern city that feels righteous enough to them; groups of carolers stroll through downtown singing of Christ and redemption. When I spent a few frozen hours singing 'Rudolph' and 'Silent Night' around Faneuil Hall last year, I would not have been surprised if our wide-eyed listeners had fallen to their knees and received the eucharist. Can you picture the same on 34th Street?

Oh, there I go again, Annoying NYC Lady, comparing Beantown to the Big Apple. But the odd lack of diversity (or rather, presence of a rigid class hierarchy) makes Boston a largely Christian town. I freely wish "Merry Christmas" to most every white or black face I see. If I'm wrong, well then, they ought to know that they are merely guests here in the Divine Commonwealth.

In any case, those party-animal Bostonians apparently put the 'ho' back in holiday after the ban was lifted in 1681, as evidenced by this loud tongue-clucking:

"The generality of Christmas-keepers observe that festival after such a manner as is highly dishonourable to the name of Christ. How few are there comparatively that spend those holidays (as they are called) after an holy manner. But they are consumed in Compotations, in Interludes, in playing at Cards, in Revellings, in excess of Wine, in mad Mirth ..."

- Reverend Increase Mather, 1687

So while you're enjoying your tasty Compotations, listening to Chopin Interludes, playing strip poker etc. etc., I offer you some mad Mirth from the archives of the You've Got to Start Somewhere Department:

Victorian carolers Amanda Keil (left), Ellen Peterson, Cyndi Geller, and Justin Dilley visited Globe Santa and his sleigh to sing a carol in Faneuil Hall Sunday. (Christina Caturano for the Boston Globe)

Can I confide in you?

I've had more than one occasion to look a companion in the eye and recite the following:

Wenn so lind dein Auge mir,
Und so lieblich schauet,
Jede letzte Truebe fliehet,
Welche mich umgrauet.

And yet, I've never brought myself to finish the verse:

Dieser Liebe schoene Glut,
Lass sie nie verstieben!
Nimmer wird, wie ich,
So treu dich ein andrer lieben.

But maybe I will sometime. Maybe I will.

(That's all I'll reveal! Gentlemen, start your Googles!)

fall

Oh cherubs….

My writing will have to be on hiatus for a while, as I wrap up this semester; meet application deadlines; prepare for, travel to, and execute auditions; catch up on missing work hours (from all that travel), and perform my little gigs in town. But in what seems to be a trend, I am also reckoning with some other obstacles.

I do well with the return of autumn. The refreshment of cold air, the comfort of long sleeves. While summer boils our senses and exfoliates our cares, autumn’s intellectual sunshine brings us back into balance, and our lives resume their rhythm.

So I’m fine until around mid-November, at which point nervousness seizes my gut like algae infecting still-water. It might happen only because I’m in school, and the cloistered fish-tank of vocal studies can make anyone claustrophobic. But these past couple of years, along with a aspirations for the future, I’ve nurtured a healthy crop of my own neuroses. At home with my parents over Thanksgiving, sleeping deeply in my childhood bed, I was in the eye of the storm. But the instant I’m back into the fray, my nerves spring to life, despite my best rational efforts to keep them at bay. As these feelings are better explored in my offline journal, I will sign off (did I mention I have a presentation tomorrow and I’m also supposed to get some work work done?) and lighten up. And there are plenty of things out there that make me laugh....

Or even better....

Vittoria! Vittoria!!

By now, we’re all back to business as usual. But there was a day or two just a little while ago, when it felt like Christmas, Valentine’s Day, and a kid’s birthday.

American Democrats had a successful election.

Who can remember that such a thing is possible? And the occasion just kept getting better: I went to bed and we had won the House, in the afternoon we were toasting Rummy and Coke, and the next day the Senate was ours. Do I hear impeachment?? It’s been a long presidency, and I will continue to count the days until it ends, but at least now there is the faintest flicker of the notion that there might be some hope in the next two years.

It will be rough going, and this success didn’t happen because of middle America’s sudden rapture with the donkeys (that sounds nearly biblical, doesn’t it!). The Republican base fired Congressmen who have blood on their hands and are riddled with scandals. I’m worried about the Democrats: they haven’t articulated a plan for all our ills, and they are quick to bicker amongst themselves. But this election was indeed a referendum, and I’m hopeful it will give our new leaders the energy boost and the legislative power to act and make changes. I’m also hopeful that the momentum that made these campaigns successful will carry us through the next two years, and even beyond….

Let’s just hope they don’t blow it.

You Can't Get There From Here

I’d like to finally write down some of my impressions of Boston, which have been percolating in my brain since I moved here some 15 months ago.

Europeans will often comment that Boston is a very European city. I am still trying to understand the source of this impression. Maybe it’s the visible Puritan elements that remind them of old London. Or maybe it’s because this is a much more pedestrian-friendly town than, say, LA. Or maybe it’s the besneakered Midwestern tourists traipsing through downtown, much like you’d find in most European destinations. Or maybe it’s the crappy transportation system.

“But wait!” Perhaps you’re saying. “I thought Europe had terrific public transportation??” Aaah, that might be true in, say, Norway, or even France between strikes, and certainly in Germany. I’m thinking more about… Italy. Boston puts the ever-striking Italians to shame.

Like the Roman subway, the local Boston train network is practically useless. A 10 minute car drive is a 45 minute train trip. Just as in Rome, stops directly in downtown are plentiful and convenient enough, but when you wish to travel just a bit further, you start to run into trouble. Because Boston is actually a collection of several sovereign little towns (Cambridge, Brookline, Somerville, etc.), train service is determined not by geography but by politics. Certain distant commuter towns have direct service. A local poor neighborhood has none. Although I am directly across the river from Harvard Square, to get there by train I travel all the way downtown and all the way out in a different direction.

And then there’s the pricing system, which can only be described as Byzantine, another European twist! $1.25 is your basic fare. But once you cross the town line in some places, it’ll cost you twice that to get back. Or sometimes $3.00. By me, the train is above ground. Rides are free when you head “outbound,” but cost the regular fare heading “inbound.”

Outbound and inbound sound confusing? East or West, Uptown or Downtown tell you something, but Bostonians prefer to keep newcomers confused. Inbound means heading into downtown. But what if you already are downtown, and you just need to go one more stop? You get confused, take the wrong train, and try better next time.

Then of course, there’s the schedule, or lack thereof. Sometimes the trains appear two, three, or even four in a row, like elephants. Sometimes there are simply none.

And the journey itself has let me learn how to find my inner Zen amidst chaos. My train line is between two colleges and close to Fenway Park, which means it’s packed with students during the school year, and students plus rowdy baseball fans during the season. And when they only run one trolley, or the wait tops 15 minutes, we’re talking really packed. Tokyo packed.

And bear in mind that the trains are above ground in my neighborhood. This means they can run into traffic with cars, and you get to wait outside in the unfriendly Boston weather. The train system is nicknamed the T. For all of it’s attractive qualities, I’ve nicknamed it the mofo. (Only when I’ve been waiting for 20 minutes in the sideways falling rain, I don’t say mofo.)

Now, this series of Boston impressions won’t be all complaining, I promise! I actually am trying to fall in love with the place, really, I am.

Three Thoughts for Three Decades

So fine, I turned 30, it’s done, and there’s nothing I can do about it, okay? I am happy to have gotten this particular landmark over with – at least there’s another 10 years before I have something else to dread. In my early 20s my elders counseled me that that was one of the most challenging times of life; but now, every 30+ person I know speaks with a gleam in their eye of good things to come. What the heck, I’ll believe ‘em. Some thoughts:

One rainy Saturday, many years ago, I was eight years old and engaged in my favorite activity: rifling through my mother’s belongings. Silk scarves, old photo albums, two-dollar bills, cook books, perfume, hair curlers, and necklaces made her dresser drawers a knick-knack lover’s delight. I was happily burrowing through a pile of hippie beads when I stopped in my tracks. A photo lay on the table, a photo of me when I was probably around four. I sat down on the bed. I started rocking back and forth, and singing to the picture. And I started crying. Mom came up the stairs. “What’s the matter? What’s the matter?” “Oh,” I buried my face in her lap. “I want to be young again!” I remember how her stomach bounced as she laughed her head off.

Two points: 1) I’m a born discontent; 2) despite those tears some 22 years ago, my youth has managed to stretch this far, and I don’t see a good reason for it to end anytime soon…

Nearly 10 years ago, another rainy afternoon, and I am standing in a cement basement, once again in tears. (I guess that’s my leitmotif!) This particular basement is in Vienna, the home of Klimt’s masterpiece, the Beethoven Frieze. It remains the only piece of fine art that has moved me to tears. The work illustrates Wagner’s programmatic interpretation of Beethoven’s Ninth: humanity’s journey from hostile forces, to poetry, then to music, and finally to happiness, celebrated as an embracing couple surrounded by a choir of angels: dieser Kuss der ganzen Welt. From beginning until resolution, waifish genies float above each frame, eyes closed, arms outstretched. They represent humanity’s yearning for happiness: die Sehnsucht nach dem Glück.

Sehnsucht is a beautiful German word (yes, such a thing exists). The sehn means to yearn and is also related to ‘ardent’ or ‘passionate.’ Sucht means addiction, and also comes from suchen, ‘to seek.’ So much in two syllables! Since that musty day in the Viennese basement, I have kept an image of a Sehnsucht genie posted on my wall by my bed next to my pillow, letting me contemplate my own Sehnsucht before I fall asleep. She reminds me to focus on my goals and dreams, but I suppose her presence is also a bit sad. Yearning for happiness implies the present lack of happiness. As these pages reveal, I know how to find many things in life to complain about. Yet, turning the corner around this decade, I somehow have less inclination to whine, and more Lust to look ahead, and remember all the good things along the way (like a trip to Vienna).

Not long ago a friend remarked that a “transformation” happens in one’s early 30’s. He didn’t elaborate, and I’m not sure what to expect, but it’s a beautiful thought. It might be psychosomatic, but I’ve been feeling on the verge of something lately.

Schicksal is another fine German word. It means ‘destiny,’ but the root suggests it comes from the verb schicken, ‘to send,’ as if destiny not only guided but physically sent you along your path. Earlier this month, destiny sent me to read a magazine article by Milan Kundera, discussing, among other things, Flaubert’s shedding of his lyricism (and romantic prose) at the age of 30, when he sat down to write Madame Bovary. I don’t pretend that greatness is around the corner for me, I’m just curious to see how it all turns out. Ten years ago, I couldn’t have imagined that my life would look the way it does right now. Ten years from now, I will be doing things, living somewhere, meeting people, and being a person I can’t begin to imagine now. Only one way to find out what it will be.

Yonder.

A Crisis of Faith

I am about to finish my second degree in music, my masters, which I've wanted for ages. There are times when I am motivated to the core to pursue the musical path I've had in my sights since I was a child. Yet...

Now is the season when thousands of voice students and para-professionals across the country prepare applications to young artist programs and summer festivals that enable them to build their stage resumes. I am gamely entering the fray, encouraged by my teacher but soundly discouraged by the prospects. There are around 200 programs internationally. There is fierce competition to get in. A few I've looked into accept 25 singers from 500 applicants, or 1 in 20. And although there are larger programs that bring in a range of participants, they often cost upwards of $3,000.

But that's not the problem. It's the process. Who you know is more important than what you know, and you certainly still have to know your stuff. And the countless deadlines, and the fees, and the applications that bark: Incomplete applications will not be processed; Please be advised that sending an application does not guarantee an audition; and Age limits: women- 30, men- 32. Demoralizing to say the least.

This morning, I dawdled over my doggerel instead of running off to practice, as I usually make myself do in the mornings. I could picture a productive day at home, trying my hand at writing and seeing where it takes me. Writing is much like practicing music: by the time we get to the finished product, all the hard work has been done, and we are left with the result, as perfect and flawed as it will be at that time in the development of the person creating it. A musical performance involves a great deal more of spontanaeity than a finely tuned piece of prose, but also much more risk. And not just a risk of mistakes: the difference between a competent performance and a transcendent one can be measured by a hair's breadth.

Writing is more forgiving, and allows so much time for the development of the writer before a "performance:" the publication or revealing of his work. It also seems to allow for broad range of aesthetic tastes. A singer with an unattractive voice faces an uphill batle with any and all audiences. A writer with a repugnant style will still appeal to some people.

I found myself in a foul mood this week, and felt immediately better when I relieved myself of its source. I had begun a book of short stories by Ha Jin, and quickly abandoned it when it filled me with despair. Story 1: public mortification and stomach-turning suicide; story 2: gang rape; story 3: a pig fight that mortally gouges the flesh of a young boy. I'm old fashioned, but I like my art to be beautiful.

I fled to Truman Capote, who I had managed to never encounter before, and I'm a much happier girl. Phrases like "bouncy bon voyage oompahpah" or simply "Holly rubbed her nose" let me paint my own pictures and imagine the characters as if they were my own creation. It's an element that music and writing again have in common: setting the audience at ease and transporting them to a different, and often idyllic, place.

So now it's 8:30 on a Thursday night, I've frittered away good practice time by sitting here writing about writing without ever really writing (this blog is little more than scantily edited stream of consciousness) and wondering if I am coming close to developing my voice, but only to discover that that voice could be better off as soundless words on paper.

And the winner is.....

I still can’t decide!! I’m making too big a deal of this, I know, but it’s fun. The majority of ya’ll seem to prefer ‘Wise,’ but my only hesitation is that I don’t wear that expression on a regular basis. Hmm. But a certain salty soprano wins the prize for putting the most amusing words in my mouth. She suggested that the ‘Wise’ photo looks as if I’m saying:

“I am seven feet tall. And I will kill you if I do not get the role I desire.”

HA!

But moving on, (because it’s not really ALL about me…) I’ve been meaning to post an email from a wonderful tenor I met in Seattle, whose big heart and boundless humor are matched only by his beautiful voice. I still choke up to read this. He touches on some of the things that I find most compelling about performing and studying music: how you open yourself to others in a way that doesn’t happen in daily life, and how the act of recreating art from an earlier time is not only thrilling, but a way of creating another world. Or rather, I feel, speaking with the dead.

Also below is Kevin’s portrait, when he miraculously matched the color of the dining room wall in my apartment in Seattle.

Dear Friends,

As I write, I am on the plane heading home. So much of me is still attached to each of you. Perhaps the only thing sadder for me than the end of the music is that awful feeling of letting go of people I have come to admire, people who have touched my life in some new and deeply meaningful way. Being a professional musician has so many glamorous benefits. There are the beautiful cities, the splendid costumes and of course, the glorious music. There is the excitement of travel and the anticipation of making those new relationships that lift us up to a higher, more beautiful level of being. What a gift it is to have music in our lives, and what a responsibility it is for us to preserve this great art, and to continually renew it either by recreating the past, or creating something new and significant for another generation.

These ten days past have been not only rewarding for me, but revelatory. I was able to rise to new challenges, conquer some old fears and most of all, to cement more than a dozen new friendships. At the moment, I confess that I am sad that time and place and art like what we have just experienced has now faded into the atmosphere. A darkened stage is the loneliest place I know. But I rejoice in the good will and the love that I came to experience with each of you, and in turn, I hope that there was something in or from me that made a difference for good in you.

I have a firm faith in the art of music as a catalyst for change. I believe with every fiber of my being that we, the purveyors of that which is good, just and beautiful were placed on this mortal coil to do good, to soothe pain, to challenge evil; to protect that which is eternal and to heal through sound. Music, like the spirit, never dies. Instead it continues onward into the cosmos on an infinite journey. Those sounds which now seem to have died have taken on a new life, and hopefully they will fall on receptive ears somewhere, somehow beyond our knowing.

To our wonderful faculty, thank you for the knowledge and the patience and for and for giving us the freedom to fly on our own. I can speak for us all when I say that your gifts to us are immeasurable.

To each of you: Borys, John, Yulia, John, Doug, Thea, Beth, Jennifer, Katy, Ilya, Amanda, Matthew, Amy and Jason; thank you for the music, and thank you for the love. Thank you for the gales of laughter and serious discussions. Thank you for the girl talk and even for the occasional admonition. You’ve all written a chapter of my story, and I have been blessed beyond measure to have shared in your lives. Perhaps it’s a bit corny to quote song lyrics. It’s almost as if I’m signing your yearbook or something. But I think that the songwriter said it well when he said: “Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better? But, because I knew you, I have been changed, for good.”

With the deepest affection,

Kevin

It's all about me

Friends, please let me know which is your favorite Amanda! Leave a comment below, or email me. Thanks!

Bedhead

Tilted

Straightforward

Eager

Wise

Let me rephrase that.....

After re-reading my somewhat gruesome previous post, I realized I should clarify something: I’m actually starting to like auditioning! After I left the audition I wrote about before, I felt jumpy, that’s true, but fairly pleased with how things turned out, and knowing that I couldn’t have done better than I did. The self doubt etc. comes when I think thinks went poorly, but mostly I’ve learned not to worry about it. After showing up and finishing off, there’s nothing more I can do about it.

That audition even earned praise from the chair of the opera department for my poise. But as for my placement in the opera program? The lowest rung of all: a performance class with no chance of being considered for one of the productions. I was stung, but my teacher was pleased. Apparently, not all voice majors are accepted in the class or the operas, and it was something of a coup for a singer from the historical performance department. In general, opera singers view the early music singer as an ugly, retarded second-cousin. I’ll learn something from this class (and maybe my younger colleagues will learn something from me), and it’s a smaller time commitment that frees me up for other things……

………such as more auditions. It is the beginning of audition season now, as every youngish singer in the country chases after summer programs, young artist apprenticeships, and any other opportunity that will get them onstage. I’ll join that flock, and meanwhile, I’m auditioning for local things around Boston. Quite a few, I must say, and some particularly exciting ones. I have my eye on a role I feel destined for, perfect for a tall mezzo, at a place where they just might want to have me….. I won’t even describe it, for fear of jinxing it. Whatever happens, I am learning to audition, and that’s valuable enough.

* * * * *

“A lot of good voices went down with those towers.” It was days after September 11, 2001, when learning how to sing seemed like the most frivolous thing in the world, but I had dutifully come in for my voice lesson. My teacher was explaining that the World Trade Center was a favorite place for singers to temp, where the financial giants paid the best hourly rates to help working (and aspiring singers) in the lean months. (At the time my teacher was in remission from cancer. It would soon return with aggression, and he would die within 30 months.)

There must have been singers who were just returning from summer programs, or singers who perform during the year but work in offices during the slow summer. Singers just about to quit their jobs for a chance to sing, singers just out of college trying to work to pay their debts before pursuing their career — later.

Whatever my failures or disappointments, I accept them gratefully, as I’m sure these colleagues would have done.

Next?

Non-musicians will often marvel when I mention to them that I have an audition coming up.  They will sometimes gasp with astonishment, and then remark that it must be a frightening experience that they would not have the mettle to undergo.

If you’d like, you can simulate the feelings that surface during an audition without having to go through the process yourself.  Simply insert a dull knife just below your breastbone.  Then cut a shallow incision from the top of your gut to your navel, just deep enough to sever the lateral abdominal muscles.  Then, remove your intestines with your fingers.  See, wasn’t that easier than standing in front of strangers and singing a song?
Auditioning is a critical part of the process of becoming a professional, but it’s an overlooked skill.  When I practice, I imagine the pleasures of performing, not the anxiety of being judged.  Poor auditioning skills have been the downfall of plenty of worthy singers, and my own attempts at the craft certainly need some strengthening.  

Over the summer I had the chance to sing for various different people and groups, and start to figure out how it works for me.  If I begin to judge myself, even with positive thoughts (“Oh they love me!  That note was fabulous!  I’m born for this!”), I set myself up for trouble.  The negative thoughts soon follow: “They hate me.  That note was awful.  What the hell am I doing here?”)  I’m finding that the system I need to follow includes making sure I start and stay on my breath (either singing or at least moving around immediately prior to singing is crucial to this), and imagine a singer I admire standing in front of me, singing along, and encouraging me all the way.  Is that corny or what??

But the thing is, as a singer, every single encounter with colleagues, directors, professors, conductors, instrumentalists, or nearly any other musical professional is an audition.  Whether I’m singing or not, I’m trying to communicate my intelligent professionalism, my profound musical understanding, my sweet and amenable personal manner, my ravishing acting style, and my seemingly psychic connection with composers’ intents.     Any contact or any occasion can ultimately help advance – or stall – your career.

I have my audition for the opera programs at school tomorrow, which will decide my placement in productions for the year.  I’m actually confident, regardless of the fact that the teacher I rejected last year will be among those hearing me.  I’m singing well right now, I know how to pull myself together, and I also know that even when I think I do poorly, the net performance is still passable.

But undoubtedly, I will leave the 7-minute audition tomorrow feeling like I always do: frightened, unhinged, covered in self-doubt, inferior, untalented, and wishing I could try again.  For even if I do well, even if I win a terrific role, I will not come away with what I really want from an audition.  I want the person hearing me to take me in their arms.  I want to nestle my head in their shoulder as they kiss my forehead.  And I want them to promise me that everything will be alright in my career.

No Cure Like Travel

Om.

The single trip I will take on an airplane this year fall two days after an unravelled terrorist plot heightens airline security.

Om.

Because of this, I check a bag I would otherwise have carried on. Om. This is also the first time that the airplane gods decide that it is my turn to lose my luggage.

Om.

During my three day stay in New York, I am anxious about my entire summer wardrobe now gone missing, not to mention my asthma meds.

But the bag came back! And here I am safely in Seattle for a 10-day workshop and visiting friends. I've been looking forward to this all summer, but truthfully, I came here with more than a little dread. I tend to fall apart at these workshops: invariably I am intimidated by singers who are younger, prettier, better, and more accomplished than me. Regardless of the fact that I also encounter people who are my equals, or are older, uglier, worse, and less accomplished (!), I put some work into keeping it together.

But so far, I think I'll like it here. I'm staying with my hilarious college pal Audrey, and I'm meeting friends old and new at the workshop. Yesterday at least four people approached me, convinced that they knew me from somewhere but we could not find the connection. This usually happens a few times a year, not all in one day. I wonder what it means??

I better run off to the bakery now for my breakfast of a scone and mandatory cup of coffee, and then off to work on some very old music in the very new part of the new world!

Me with Madelyn, Jeanmarie's baby girl.

Here's my sassy host Audrey. I offered to take her out to dinner to thank her for letting me stay, and she chose dollar taco Tuesday at a lesbian bar!

My alarm clock Mazzie, one of Audrey's two dogs.
A bouquet for Jeanmarie, dahlias and Queen Anne's lace. The famous Pike Place Market sells breathtakingly beautiful flowers for practically pennies.
The obligatory tourist shot of the very first Starbucks.

Dog Days

My summer employment brings simultaneous blessings and curses, it’s all very interesting:

Blessing: I’m working full-time. This yields more money than my old part-time job, and certainly more than I would have made collecting unemployment, which I would have had needed to do once that part-time job ended.

Curse: I’m working full-time. This means that I’ve made only little progress on the half dozen music projects I’ve wanted to do, and felt less like a performer than an office monkey. Also, the Boston workplace is incredibly isolating – human social contact is kept to a bare minimum – so by the afternoon I’m trying to ward off loneliness.

Curse: The job is temporary. This was rather distressing during my first few weeks here, when my energy was just sucked away by working full time while having to search for a permanent job. As a temp, they can readily get rid of you whenever they please and for whatever reason. There was the chance that they might create a part time position for me, but that was never certain, and even the length of the assignment was unclear. Moreover, working through an agency, my salary is about the same as a high school babysitter's.

Blessing: The job is temporary. Starting a new job this summer would have demanded even more concentration and attention than this gig, even with the preoccupying job search at the same time. Besides, what else but a tempo position would let me blog during the day, as I'm doing right now?

Curse: The job is in Roxbury. One of Boston’s first outlying neighborhoods and quite vibrant in its way, there is no green space anywhere near my office, only one sort-of decent lunch place, and absolutely no shops of any use or interest. Located directly across from a bus terminal, I developed a cough within a few days of working here. The neighborhood is mostly minority, so heads turn when a white lady gets off the bus and many beggars step up their pleas when they see me.

Blessing: The job is in Roxbury. Because Boston is so segregated, it’s actually nice to see the lives of other citizens in another neighborhood. And you can’t say the locals aren’t friendly. When I have ventured out, I’m usually greeted by the numerous men hanging around the streets, some of whom have called out: “You’ve got a great smile!” “Bring those beautiful legs back here right now!” “You’re beautiful! If no one told you you’re beautiful today, then I’ll tell you!” I don't find this threatening at all. After a day in solitary office confinement, this is music to my ears. The cashier at the decent lunch place (Hector) is a character, and chats with me every time I come in. He even gave me a free slice of white bean pie, promising I would love it. (The maple whipped cream it came with was delicious; the pie itself was sweeter than white beans were ever meant to be.)

I’m trying to get what I can out of this place before I leave (in 6 working days!!!). There are some interesting sights (photos below), and even a couple of promising nooks. A new Dominican lunch counter opened up, and I think I’ll check it out some time when I want to fall into afternoon food coma. Local charm is surprisingly hard to find in Boston, especially ethnic, and I’ve actually hoped to find another Dominican joint since I first knew one near my first workplace in New York a bunch of years ago. What better way to cool off than a bucket of oxtail stew, and piles of rice, beans, and pico de gallo? And even better, a batido de papaya or morir soñando, a sweet drink of orange syrup and milk that is so good it earned its name: to die dreaming.

And occasionally I stop in the Tropical Foods "El Cabanero" down the road, where I barely buy anything but just gaze at the other world of immigrant food. Who knew that there were so many different kinds of grain out there, and all with beautiful names: gari, cassava, iyan, moin moin, banku, alubo, egusi, and alligator peppers. Once I bought some delicious chili powder, and mango nectar. I decided to skip the weirdo dried fish section, and the copious collection of tinned ham, of all things, and what would a gringa ever be able to do with these piles of unknown roots and tubers?

Ham in a can is nothing short of a Treet.

What if you could smell this picture?

The aisle is three times the size of this shot.

You can see the skyline from a garden near my office.....

... but alas, it's under lock and key.

I imagine this beautiful corner building (now abandoned) was a busy department store before Roxbury fell into decline.

Yup, the sign's correct, tuxedos for hire, $2.00 and up!

food for those

I'm trying to find time between audition prep (I'll have had seven this summer!), festival prep, recital planning, freelance grantwriting, and dayjob to structure and write my impressions of Boston. In just a few weeks I'll have my one year anniversary of life in this town. Meanwhile, I can share this story with you that happened just this morning.

One of my gripes (not like I have that many ;-) is that Boston fails to fill me with wonder. That is, I haven't encountered one single spot in the city where I've paused, admired, and thought "Oh the greatness of man!" Am I being too demanding? Well, I felt something like this on nearly every subway ride over the Manhattan bridge. A walk through the canyons of midtown or the tall peaks of Wall Street makes one feel like a god.

And in Rome, don't even get me started. Not just the Pantheon or the Colosseum but a crumpled napkin from a rip-off bar or a pile of dust from a construction site were enough to make my eyes go wide. The Puritan ethic of austerity and utility seem to have imbued architecture and city planning in Boston for all eternity. Sure, there are a few iconic churches and a couple of interesting modern buildings, but it's all on a small, restrained scale that does not overwhelm.

But what I am finding - slowly, glacierly - is a bit of what I always had experienced on my visits to Boston over the years: humanity. Friends gathering for dinner at home, new acquaintences becoming friends, people planning excursions to the many pretty villages close to town.

The workplace, however, seems to be exceedingly frosty. I've had two jobs here now, both times sharing an office with someone else, and both times only speaking to my office mate and/or boss only when absolutely necessary. There is no greeting or only a very reluctant hello when you walk in the door each morning. I used to say "bless you" when the other guy sneezed, but it got awkward when he would barely respond and didn't return the favor. Sitting down with colleagues in the lunch room makes me feel like a ghost: I appear to be invisible, no one addresses me, and I can't seem to make my way into the conversation. Whatever happened to the good old, "Hi, how are you, how was your weekend?" I swear, if my heart stopped right now no one would notice until the cleaning lady came!

So I suppose when a little human interaction happens in this ice block it seems like an exceptional event. Here, at last, is my story:

Mary W., a Christian first name and an African last, crooked glasses and relaxed hair, prim office wardrobe and an ample rear-end. She sits at her desk every day from nine to five, headphones permanently on her head.

“Do you sing?” Her question to me would sound like an accusation, but her voice has that delicious West African lilt. “How do you know?” I am surprised. Someone had found copies of my sheet music in the copier, and thought it was hers. She composes, she explains, but she can’t read or write music. She marvels that I can. She sings melodies in Swahili and records them to beat. “Do you have a recording of your work I can listen too?” She hands me a homemade CD from her computer, and I listen, and thank her, and we smile like two schoolgirls sharing a secret.

She replaces her headphones on her ears, and turns back to her work. High above her desk in bold print is Psalm 111:5: He provides food for those who fear him; he remembers his covenant forever.

finding the words

I've been happily living part-time in the fantasy world of Haruki Murakami, whose beautiful and surreal writing defies description. Towards the end of Kafka on the Shore, his latest novel, a line leapt out at me:

"Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart."

Tearing apart reminded me of imagery from Bach cantatas, and I thought it would sound even more dramatic in German:

"Erinnerungen wärmen Dich von innen auf. Doch sie reißen Dich auch auseinander."

Nowadays, I think with fondness of the warm memories I have of the hot country I was in this time last year, so Italian came to mind:

"Le memorie ti riscaldano dall'interno. Ma ti fanno anche a pezzi."

I wonder what would I would think of if I knew the original Japanese....

New Look

Do we like it? Hate it? I got tired of the fuzzy typeface and went looking for higher resolution. Don't be surprised if this blog goes through a few face-lifts in the coming months. If I'm calling myself tech savvy, it's time to walk the walk.

I meant to write last night, but collapsed with exhaustion after a rather intense kickboxing class (stop laughing). Every so often it's a good idea to bring this journal back to my original intent: A Singer's Journal.

I practiced well last night, it's a great feeling. I got together on Tuesday to rehearse with a pianist friend (yes, we like making friends with keyboardists who actual want to work with me, not just collect cash to work for me!), but we ended up gabbing and planning instead of singing, so I had a night off. Maybe that's what made my throat more relaxed today, but somehow I was able to sing with greater ease and strength than usual. The trick that I have to keep reminding myself of is in the support system. I had thought of support as abdominal strength, but it actually has to do with using the stomach muscles to open the rib cage, creating more space for resonance. Newborns understand this extremely well, which is why they can produce such powerful sounds with limited muscle.

Good support also frees up the throat, which is the next important space for resonance. The more space, the better the sound, the easier the production, the less air you need, the better the carrying power. The paradox of studying any instrument is that you must work extremely hard for it to become easy. I'm owning the first part of that idea, and finally beginning to accept that in my practice, if it feels easy, it probably is right.

Well, that's enough for boring vacl technique now, isn't it? Back to dreary, soul-searching pity parties.

I've been writing

Really, I have. I’ve written quite a bit over these past two weeks, though none of it’s appeared here. I finished several essays about my impressions of Boston, and the latest challenges and opportunities that have come my way. I wrote a beautiful eulogy for the unexpected death of Lorraine Hunt Lieberson, the woman who was not only my favorite singer but my role model, whose voice I hear when I envision the sound I am striving for. I wrote a charming parody of the sort of poetic free verse one finds in 17th century French secular cantatas. I wrote character studies – for the first time I’ve had ideas for characters! – and sketched outlines for soul-searing stories that lay bear the human condition.

It’s a pity that these texts have only appeared on the interior of my eyelids, and never on paper. Working as much as I do now – and not enough on music projects, unfortunately – I find plenty of fodder for inspiration, but less time and energy to write it down. My non-dayjob hours have to be devoted to an evening practice, and whatever I can do to work on the pile of repertoire I wish to learn this summer. Time to develop myself as a writer – and singer – will have to be found some other season, maybe next year.

Yet, being busy also keeps my mind energized, and has somehow given me the drive to have ideas for new things to write about and music to pursue. If I was back on my care-free part-time schedule, I might clock more hours in the library, but I would also find more ways to fritter away time, and new things to frustrate me. Leisure and contentment does not usually yield great art: when Brahms was pining away for Clara Schumann he wrote his masterpieces, when he was happy he wrote plonk, like the Hungarian dances.

It takes discipline to create a beautiful voice – written or sung. I would never characterize myself as a disciplined person. As a child I would be more likely to curl up with a book and then stare into space, rather than immerse myself in the story. I don’t have the ambition of some of my peers, never being able to tolerate long hours in the office or ruthless behavior with colleagues. This summer is a test of my dreams: can I make some progress on them while making some money?

I’m in the office right now, and should logoff to face my Monday morning and the (not altogether uninteresting work) at hand. My music sits in my apartment, damp with humidity. My voice sits silently in my throat, as if it didn’t exist at all. Those characters I dreamt up go about their days as usual, occasionally blinking at me with expectation.

Here's an idea for a new character: a relatively young women with some talent and drive, who quits bellyaching about not being able to do the things she wants to and actually knuckles down and gets the work done.

Amanda's First Poem

I am running
Late across
Roads that hurt
My soles.

Sweat covers me
In layers and
I am nervous and
My heart races.

Cars and noise
Move faster than me.
I fail to cross on green when

I catch my eye on
A rising shape:
Your arm, above your shoulder,
Forming a square beside your head.

White skin and clear eyes,
Shining for me at sunset.

Update

After that somewhat dreary last post, I spoke with three overseas friends, including a woman I hadn't seen or been in touch with since 2002. Is there anything as nice as hearing a smile in the voice of someone you care about, and who is happy to speak to you too? If there will ever be a time when I cannot hear music, let me at least be able to hear the voices of my friends.